Wasting my days away
By Arley Hoskin
I have a tendency to fall asleep during movies, so the list of movies I’ve seen all the way through isn’t long.
I haven’t seen many cult classics, but I have a few favorite movies I like to watch over and over.
What About Bob is by far my favorite movie. (Fern Gully comes in at a close second.) I have watched What About Bob more than a dozen times. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, Bill Murray plays Bob, an eccentric psychiatric patient with obsessive compulsive disorder. Bob wears his pet gold fish around his neck, fears that he has developed any ailment he hears about, and has to give himself a pep talk just to leave his apartment.
Bob, in a lot of ways, is a lot like me. Sure on the outside, I seem like a normal working women, whatever that means. But inside my head, I’m worrying that the mole on my right arm might be melanoma, while searching Wikipedia for any side effects of the medication I’m on (surely I didn’t just gain 15 pounds simply from not exercising.) As I continue to search through Wikipedia’s medical section, I replay the last five conversations I’ve had in my head to make sure I didn’t say anything that might sound offensive while I pick all of the orange M&Ms out of my candy dish. I don’t eat orange M&Ms.
OK, I admit I just made up the part about the orange M&Ms. But the rest of the scenario describes a typical lunch hour for me.
I’ve always been a worrier. When I was 4 years old my mom said I used to sneak out of my room and sleep on the floor of my baby sister’s nursery. Apparently, I was scared she would fall out of the crib.
As an adult, my anxiety really started to escalate over the past few years. I blame the recession. Or Missouri. (As a Kansan it always seems appropriate to blame Missouri.)
For those of you who don’t suffer from anxiety, imagine that “oh shit” feeling you get during college when you get to class and realize there is a test that day that you didn’t know about. Imagine having that feeling at random times throughout the day. Imagine the feeling of getting the wind knocked out of you and the continued fear that you will never get your breath back. That describes what anxiety looks like for me.
I know the root causes of my anxiety, but many times it seems to strike for no rhyme or reason. Sunday was one of those days. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake my anxious thoughts. Since Sunday is my favorite day of the week, my anxiety seemed even more frustrating.
What a waste, I always think when anxious thoughts fill the majority of my day. What a waste of a perfectly good day.
At the end of a day that seems like such a waste, I think about my wedding day. Logan and I danced to “Waste” by Phish for our fist dance as husband and wife. A dream it’s true, but I’d see it through if I could be wasting my time with you, the lyrics go.
A few weeks from now I probably won’t remember my anxious Sunday. But I’ll always remember dancing with Logan on our wedding day. And that memory makes those days “wasted” to anxiety seem not quite as bad.