Don't let fear win

Posted Wednesday, April 11th 2012 at 5:11pm

By Holly Carrington
Grief is a mysterious, moody, ever-changing mistress, but I've felt her grip loosen on me recently. The shockwaves of having a miscarriage have settled, but there's still rubble and debris surrounding me. One day, about two weeks after this painful experience, I bought a pair of running shoes. I realize now I may have acquired far more than athletic gear. Forgive me for sounding trite or cliched, but they may have brought me back to life.
During my first few jogs, I felt tremendous pain, aches, a sense of disappointment and failure. It felt too raw, too familiar, too similar to what I already had been wrestling with. I felt like my body was letting me down, or I was letting it down. There's a hill by my house that served as a cruel reminder of how challenging it is to take a risk and how much it can hurt. I remember thinking, "I hate this part, I can't make it up. I should stop."
Though my body felt weak, my heart and head urged me on. Running had become less painful. I allowed myself to daydream about the hill and eventually conquering it. I even persuaded my husband to accompany me, and then it became fun to see him try to take on the hill.
Through all the training and the positivity I began to experience, I've also had to stop and breathe through moments of anguish, disbelief and fear. I've had to remind myself that I can't replace my feelings or literally run away from them. Running and having goals is one thing, denying what happened is another. Just being conscious that I'm definitely still grieving has kept me in healthy balance with my newly acquired hobby.
We've officially signed up for our first 5K and it has been fun to train for it. I let myself get all dramatic with visions of family and friends cheering for us as we run victoriously to the finish line. I imagine that I start doing half-marathons, then marathons, then maybe triathlons. And then I bring myself back down to earth and realize that I barely get up the hill and arrive winded and half-defeated every time. But where I used to quit or slow down, I now look straight ahead and think, "I hate this part, but I'm going to do this. I will never quit."
Life is short and very precious. Sometimes it seems easier to hide and let yours pass by. I wrestle with fears every day. Maybe life doesn't look like you thought it would. Maybe you think you have a long time to dust off a pair of shoes and get back in the race.
But if you want my two cents, I say don't let fear win. Don't let the mounting hill of doubt slow you down or stop your drive. I hope we can have another child someday, but I now know the importance of embracing what you have for as long as you have it. So, some might see a pair of shoes. I see a chance to chase infinite possibilities while holding tight to my abundant blessings. I will never quit.

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